One of our most popular marriage articles is “ The secret thing men need but only his wife can give”. If you haven’t read it by now, you really should! After the response I got from that, I started thinking about women. I wanted to give men the ultimate guide on how to identify with their wife and give her what she really needs and it’s probably not what you initially think…

I can admit, we are a little complex and perhaps are just a tiny bit needier than men. (I guess that was a valid point because as I proofread this to my hubby he totally agreed… )

Men give your wife what she needs

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Have you ever been in a conversation with a man frustrated with his wife? He will give a list of reasons his wife should be content in his eyes.

“It’s not like I hit her”

“I’m not out cheating on her”

“I buy her anything she wants”

“I give her money to go shopping”

“I work all the time to provide a good life for her”

“She always gets what she wants”

“I don’t ask for it EVERY night”

Men, these are not the requirements to be considered a good husband.

Women need to FEEL LOVED!

So simple I know. But that’s a great thing for you men reading this.

Remember in part 1 when I revealed that men need to feel respect from his wife? Love and respect are two words very commonly used in the English language so they are used out of context at times. We use these words so often but not always as we should.

Don’t just speak about it, be about it!

Men, you can tell your wife all day long that you love her but you need to do more than that. You need to show her and prove it to her daily.

You can say you love spending time with her but if you’re spending more time at work, with your friends, or whatever activity you find yourself doing that’s not making time with her a priority, then your words mean nothing.

I’m not saying men shouldn’t take time to enjoy life outside of their home.  They absolutely do! It only becomes a problem when coworkers and friends see you more than your wife does.

We need to feel like we are #1 in your life. If we feel like we take 2nd place, we start building a wall. 

If I am having a bad day at home and the kids are all acting like lunatics, I want to know that if I call my hubby while he is working, he will answer the phone and just say something to put a smile on my face and help me see the light at the end of the tunnel.

This doesn’t always get to happen because of his job but when he is able to step away and talk to me, it makes all the difference in the world.  It shows me that at that moment he knows I need him and nothing else matters.

We give what we want to receive…

Everyone feels loved in different ways. The key is to give it to them in a way they can identify with.

There is a book called “5 Love Languages”.  It’s amazing and you should read it.

It talks about how we all have a love language ie: giving gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and physical touch. 

5 Love Languages
5 Love Languages


We give what we want to receive…

That’s all we know how to do. It’s not a selfish thing unless you are aware of what your spouse needs.

Couples normally do not have the same love language.

We speak our love language to our spouse wondering why they are not responsive. It’s because that’s not how they feel loved. That’s how you feel loved.

For example…

My husband gives me gifts to show me he loves me.  I constantly show my husband by affirming him with words. But because we naturally give what we want in return.

We’re showing each other love the wrong way but with the best intentions and still feeling disconnected.

It wasn’t until we understood that we needed to take the time to figure out what the other person wanted that we were able to intentionally show love the way we should be.

Are good intentions enough?

I’m sure you have been doing so many things in your eyes to show your wife love. You don’t understand how she feels unloved because you try so hard to make sure she feels it. 

You’re not showing her the way she needs to receive it.  Men can feel like they are constantly doing and saying and showing but you still come out as the bad guy and it feels like you’re beating your heads against the brick wall.

That’s because you’re not showing her the right way.  Find out what makes her feel loved.

Make it a priority to ask her these questions so you can feel more than just a hamster on a wheel. 


After the test is complete, use the chart below as a key to help you better understand her love language. I want to challenge you as the leader of your home to take some time after dinner and come together with your wife to talk over the results.

Go over this chart together! Make sure she knows you are taking the time to get to know her love language.

Write it on your bathroom mirror as a reminder every day.

It’s not enough to know what her love language is, you need to put it into practice.

Love Languages
Love Languages

A little section for my ladies

On the other hand, ladies if you’re reading, cut your man some slack. This is not a one-way street.

I want to challenge you to take this quiz as well.  See what makes your hubby feel loved. 

I’m sure you can see how much your life will change just by you both feeling loved.

If you have not yet read “ The secret thing men need but only his wife can give”, head over right. now and read it.

Here is that “R” word again

Where there is love, there WILL BE respect.  She WILL in return show you the respect YOU need. 

When these two simple things are present in a marriage, amazing things happen emotionally, mentally, and physically.

It’s inevitable that when women are not feeling loved, the man isn’t feeling respected as well. I always wonder which comes first? It’s like the old which came first the chicken or the egg question.

To read “The secret thing men need but only we can give”


Healthy marriages are so important to me and I know yours is to you as well. Marriage isn’t easy when you’re out of sync with your spouse but it doesn’t always have to be that way.

If you feel you and your spouse have lost “that spark”, you can get it back. It will take work but it will be worth it.

There are so many different seasons of marriage and marriage can be hard. There are so many variables that come into play; kids, money, careers, more kids, teenagers, etc. However, it can also be amazing.

Ways to add “that spark” back to your marriage

At-Home Date Nights: If you are unable to go on a date with your spouse during a certain season in your marriage because of small kids, Covid, or whatever the reason might be, schedule date nights at home after the kids go to bed. Maybe even plan on putting them to bed a few minutes earlier that night. This is a great way to say “I see you, I care about our alone time, and I’m making us a priority.” The Best At-Home Date Night Idea Guide will help give you some ideas!

Put their needs first: You should wake up every morning and ask yourself “What can I do to serve my wife/husband today?” If you look for ways to intentionally help your spouse, it will make a huge difference in your marriage. A recent study showed just the simple act of serving your spouse creates a healthy marriage with amazing rewards. This will take you being selfless. When you start serving her, she will feel valued and loved. Remember the amazing rewards I mentioned? You my friend will start racking up the brownie points! Respect, appreciation, peace, and intimacy… but don’t do it for those reasons. Those are added bonuses.

Here are my questions to you: What are you doing to serve your spouse on a regular basis? How are you intentionally putting her needs above yours? 

How can I help?: Take it a step further and send him or her a text throughout the day and ask “How can I help make your day better?” I love getting this text from my husband. I don’t always have an answer for him but it’s the thought that counts the most. He is asking me how I need to be helped today. If I do have something specific it always helps him to know exactly how he can help me. I always return the question as well. After all, it is a two-way street. He has things to do as well. Men have a lot on their plate and deal with stress that women can’t understand. I want to be there for him and serve him wherever and whenever I can.

Take a trip down memory lane: To help rekindle feelings, try going back to places where you met, restaurants you went to when you were dating, or to the area you got engaged. This can help bring back some great memories you had together and you can start building from there. For example, one of mine and my husband’s favorite thing to do together is going skating. We are in our forties but when we go, we feel like teenagers again. It takes us back to a place where we began. We do this often and I love it because I get to feel that feeling every time.

Whatever you do, do not give up. Always let her know you still love her and you still find her attractive and sexy.

Get the book and read it together. You will be surprised at what her actual love language might be.

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  1. This is an amazing post. I think finding out each other’s love languages is awesome. The hard part for me is that my fiancé and I have the same love language, quality time. I know it’s rare and I feel like it should be easier since it’s the same but sometimes it’s difficult. I think although we have the same one, we view it differently. Im not sure. I need to read part one of your article though!

    • Optimized Reply

      Thank you so much for reading this post from Optimized Life. We are so happy you liked it!

  2. Wife just wants her husband should obey her instruction of what to wear, what to eat, how to sit, how to stand when to take a bath when to go to work return from work without delay means a proper control & then she says that you have changed — hahaha

    • Optimized Reply

      LOL Thank you so much for reading this post from Optimized Life. We are so happy you liked it!

  3. Great post! I think it’s very important to ask what each other needs are on any particular day. Marriage is always a work in progress!

  4. This is very interesting. It’s funny how we often think that just because nothing bad is happening, that all is good. Not true at all. Thanks for posting.

  5. Great post! I think it’s very important to ask what each other needs are on any particular day. Marriage is always a work in progress!

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