We love featuring guest bloggers here at Optimized Life. We feel passionate about sharing information that can help you in all areas of your life. This article is about relationships and the “S” word!

Here you go!

Picture this: You and your spouse are going to bed after a long day and your husband says,“Do you want to have sex tonight?” Immediately, you think, “Why is he asking again?! I really don’t feel like it tonight…” You reply with something like, “I’m really tired right now…” To which your husband says, “You always say that. Why don’t you want to have sex with me? Do you not love me anymore?” Your evening ends in one of two ways.

Better Intimacy

Option one is you “win” because you get your way. The two of you don’t have sex but you feel guilty and your husband is frustrated.

The other option is your husband “wins” because the two of you are intimate but your husband feels bad because he knows you didn’t really want to. You also aren’t happy because you felt pressured into being intimate and maybe even felt used.

If you want to improve your sex life so this type of stuff doesn’t happen, keep reading.

Higher Desire and Lower Desire Partners

When it comes to intimacy, one person usually wants to be intimate more than the other one. This is normal in every relationship. Don’t think there is anything wrong with you or your spouse.

What You Need to Know About Higher Desire Partners

Higher desire partners are typically male but not always. The most important thing for you to understand if you are the higher desire partner is that your wife not wanting to have sex with you has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her! Read that sentence again if you need to.

When she turns you down for sex night after night, it is probably because she feels “chased.” How do you feel when you’re chasing her and can’t catch her? Frustrated? Unsatisfied? Does your ego take a hit?

All those feelings are horrible! The solution is to stop “chasing” your wife. Think about it. When you are being chased, you run away. So when you are chasing after your wife for sex, she will run away from you.

But what happens when you stop chasing someone? They stop running…What do you think will happen when you stop asking her for sex?

You may think, “I’ll never have sex again!” but I promise you that is not the case. They will want to be intimate with you because they don’t feel that pressure, it will become their choice.

What You Need to Know About Lower Desire Partners

Lower desire partners are typically female but not always. The lower desire partners either don’t like having sex, don’t want to take the time or make the effort, or she doesn’t “need” sex very often.

She often feels pressured or obligated to have intercourse and feels guilt when she turns down her husband day after day.

The solution for you is to stop running away from your husband. You can do this by
changing your mindset about WHY your spouse wants to be intimate with you.

Rather than think you are obligated or pressured into having intercourse, what if you were to think, “Of course, my husband wants to be intimate with me! I am smokin’ hot!”

It doesn’t have to be that phrase exactly, but picking a thought that displays confidence will result in you wanting to be intimate more often with your husband.

When you are voluntarily more intimate with your husband, he will stop “chasing” you.

Couple hugging

Sex and Schedules

If you are the higher desire partner and you want to be intimate more often with your spouse, I suggest talking with her about setting up a schedule.

If you are the lower desire partner and you want to want to be more intimate with your spouse, figuring out a schedule will help you too.

I first heard about the idea of setting up a “sex” schedule on a podcast that was featuring Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife. She is a Latter-Day Saint relationship and sexuality coach and a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor in the state of Illinois.

To set up a schedule for having sex, you talk with your partner about what day/s and time you want to be intimate. The next part is following through on what you agreed to no matter what.

Sex Can Still Be Exciting When It’s Scheduled


I’m sure some of you are thinking, “Elizabeth, a schedule sounds ridiculous! Where is the excitement in planning when to have sex?”

Before you decide to stop reading, let me ask you this. Where is the excitement in feeling frustrated, pressured, or guilt when it comes to having sex?

Sex can still be exciting when it is planned because the two of you can prepare for it to make it something special.

Preparing may include:

  • Not eating a lot for dinner so you aren’t bloated
  • Take a shower that day.
  • Take a nap so you aren’t too tired when it’s time.
  • The husband can be extra helpful in putting the kids to bed.
  • The wife can put on something sexy.

You don’t have to schedule your intimate time forever. Once you are your spouse are more consistent with being intimate, you can adjust the schedule or get rid of it entirely. By that time, the two of you will have a better relationship and will want to be more intimate.

Points to Remember

The most important things for you to remember from this post are:

  • Higher Desire Partner – Stop chasing your spouse for sex.
  • Lower Desire Partner – Of course your spouse wants to have sex with you! Take that as a compliment.
  • Schedule your intimate time.
  • Check out Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife’s website and/or podcast for additional resources.

There is no “normal” for how much intercourse a couple should have. What matters is maintaining a connection between you and your spouse by doing what works best for your relationship.

Author Bio
Elizabeth Anderson

Hi! Elizabeth here, thank you so much for taking the time to read my blog. I am a wife, a stay-at-home mom to two boys, and an aspiring blogger. I know I haven’t lived long but I feel like I have some valuable insights, or epiphanies, about life and parenthood that YOU can benefit from.

Happy reading and I look forward to getting to know you better!



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